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Damn. McGruder beat me to it. January 23, 2004

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Boondocks, by Aaron McGruder, Los Angeleno.


Saving Plymouth, one banana at a time. January 23, 2004

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Banananarian Learning Centre dispatches delighted disciple.

Recent government figures show recorded crime in Plymouth has quadrupled in the past two years, with the biggest increase recorded in violent assaults.

Victim support groups say they have noticed significant increases in racial assaults, domestic violence, and violence linked to alcohol and drug abuse.

A spokesman for the charity Victim Support in Plymouth said: “There is in this city a nightly ballet of mutually assured carnage.”

Linda Gilroy, the MP for Plymouth Sutton, despite her recent appeals to the Home Office for more support in the fight against crack cocaine, said she remains optimistic.

Ms Gilroy points to the increasing number of charities in Plymouth offering assistance to the poor.

Housing charity Shelter says it wants to help homeless people.

Volunteers from the Mustard Seed Charity have delivered a van full of wooly hats.

In addition, religious charities have established assistance centres throughout Plymouth.

One such charity, the Banananarian Learning Centre, recently opened on Union Street.

Fiona Pfillingsley, who has dedicated her life to the Banananarian organisation and its leader, Wood N Monkeyboy, is thrilled to be offering spiritual and nutritional advice from her “mission in a shop.”

Enthused Ms Pfillingsley: “I really, really think I can clean up this town!”

“Just … not on Thursdays,” she added.

Happy Chinese New Year of the Monkeyboy! January 22, 2004

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You know what this means, don’t you?

C’mon, now… January 20, 2004

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Binoculars will now be used by Redlands police after a pet housecat, mistaken for a menacing mountain lion, is shot with an assault rifle.

Mountain Lion.

Kitty Cat.

The mistaken shooting of a domestic cat is prompting Redlands police to issue binoculars to officers involved in the hunt for a mountain lion that is believed to have been menacing residential neighborhoods for at least 2� years.

“We’ve issued binoculars to help them identify … the animal,” Redlands Police Chief Jim Bueerman said Friday, a day after an officer killed the wrong animal. “It was a big cat, but it was still a house cat.”

Suggestion: issue spectacles. We’d all feel safer.

“Banana Bomb” cover-up denied January 17, 2004

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The Ministry of Defence has denied claims that it has “covered up” a link between an alleged unarmed bombing in Yorkshire and the bizarre Banananarian cult.

Witness at banana bomb blast site.

The United States Air Force (USAF) previously claimed responsibility for a bombing at about 1715 GMT on 8 January.

An USAF spokesman said that an inert training bomb dropped from an F-15 fighter jet landed in an airfield owned by Allied Grains, six miles south west of Market Weighton in East Yorkshire, causing an 18-inch crater in the airfield’s landing strip but no injuries.

However, Reg Teller, of Market Weighton, vehemently denied the USAF�s statements.

Mr Teller claims to have seen an enormous “Banana Bomb” hit the airfield.

He said it caused several craters and spread squashed fruit over a large area.

“They came out and cleaned up most of the banana. But they didn’t get all of it. Then they came up with this story. Everybody swallowed the lies they told. It’s easier for them to blame somebody far off than to look at the threat at their own front door.”

The Anderson Institute, a US think tank specialising in conspiracy theories, concurs with Mr Teller.

“The Pentagon and the UK Ministry of Defence are keeping mum that it was a Banana Bomb.” Said a spokeswoman for the Institute.

“They think if they just shut up about it, the crazed banana fetish that is sweeping Wales and the south coast of England won�t infest the northern parts. But Yorkshire is way up there, so the Banana Bomb is proof that this isn’t just a small insurgency of whacked-out wanna-be monkies! Oh, no! Banananarianism is becoming a worldwide phenomenon, more strange and scary than Al Qaeda, and far more threatening to the British and American powers-that-be than even they realise.”

An MoD spokesman dismissed the cover-up claims as “utter nonsense”.

He said: “I’m at a loss for a response. Where did you come up with this rubbish?”