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Ask Miss Monica, a haiku (because *someone* had to…) October 22, 2003

Posted by worldspectacle in Uncategorized.
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My Dear Mistress M:

Paper plate — or porcelain?

– Curious (Fellow)

************************************

Dear Curious (Fellow),

Imagine our surprise when we opened your email by mistake. “Oh damn,” we muttered, fully expecting to find a spamvertisement for Free! Xanax! through the telephone wires to calm Miss Monica’s overwrought mind — which had been recently improved by her Earning! a Degree! In! Nuclear! Physics! Tonight! — which, as you might imagine, attracted a great deal of attention from XXX! Teenaged! Sex! Kittens! — especially now that Miss Monica’s penis is 10 inches Long! and 5 inches Thick! & just chock full of Prescription! Free! Viagra!!!

We feel so much better thinking that the reason there have been no Ask Miss Monica questions is because Miss Monica — thinking they are spam — has deleted them unopened upon receipt. We also appreciate the aesthetic charm of a question in haiku.

Since we feel that much better, we won’t even punish you for asking an Encyclopedia Encarta Question.

Here’s your answer:

Paper Plate or Porcelain Plate

Assumptions:
1. A paper plate is used once, and a porcelain plate 1000 times;
2. Food wastes are equal for the two products;
3. All electrical energy has a standardized impact on the environment;
4. Most of the materials used to manufacture, transport, clean, and dispose of the two products are produced domestically;
5. The porcelain plate is cleaned in a dishwasher, which is loaded to 70-100% of capacity before it is run;
6. Dishwashing fluid is phosphate-free and therefore has a minimal impact on the environment;
7. Landfill is used to dispose of the porcelain plate and production wastes for both the porcelain and paper plates, and incineration is used to dispose of the paper plate; and
8. You live in Sweden.

Tables 5 and 6 show that you would need to use a single paper plate ten times — not an appetizing thought– to make it comparable to a porcelain plate. But a single paper plate is less “polluting” to produce than a single porcelain plate, if each is only used once. And paper plates produce more waste materials for landfill than porcelain does.

Source.

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