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Normal Service Will Be Resumed Shortly October 30, 2003

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Miss Monica wishes to inform you that normal service on MissMonica.org will shortly be resumed. She would also like to state that she has not been burnt to a crisp, and furthermore has not been hired to blackmail, humiliate, or assassinate either Arnold Schwazenegger or Gene Robinson (and frankly, she’d only take one of those contracts anyway. And only for a reasonable amount).

In the meantime, go check out the low-rent genius that is Ryan McFaul, film maker extraordinaire, and his amusing video adventures. Who says Californians have all the fun.


Ask Miss Monica, a haiku (because *someone* had to…) October 22, 2003

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My Dear Mistress M:

Paper plate — or porcelain?

– Curious (Fellow)


Dear Curious (Fellow),

Imagine our surprise when we opened your email by mistake. “Oh damn,” we muttered, fully expecting to find a spamvertisement for Free! Xanax! through the telephone wires to calm Miss Monica’s overwrought mind — which had been recently improved by her Earning! a Degree! In! Nuclear! Physics! Tonight! — which, as you might imagine, attracted a great deal of attention from XXX! Teenaged! Sex! Kittens! — especially now that Miss Monica’s penis is 10 inches Long! and 5 inches Thick! & just chock full of Prescription! Free! Viagra!!!

We feel so much better thinking that the reason there have been no Ask Miss Monica questions is because Miss Monica — thinking they are spam — has deleted them unopened upon receipt. We also appreciate the aesthetic charm of a question in haiku.

Since we feel that much better, we won’t even punish you for asking an Encyclopedia Encarta Question.

Here’s your answer:

Paper Plate or Porcelain Plate

1. A paper plate is used once, and a porcelain plate 1000 times;
2. Food wastes are equal for the two products;
3. All electrical energy has a standardized impact on the environment;
4. Most of the materials used to manufacture, transport, clean, and dispose of the two products are produced domestically;
5. The porcelain plate is cleaned in a dishwasher, which is loaded to 70-100% of capacity before it is run;
6. Dishwashing fluid is phosphate-free and therefore has a minimal impact on the environment;
7. Landfill is used to dispose of the porcelain plate and production wastes for both the porcelain and paper plates, and incineration is used to dispose of the paper plate; and
8. You live in Sweden.

Tables 5 and 6 show that you would need to use a single paper plate ten times — not an appetizing thought– to make it comparable to a porcelain plate. But a single paper plate is less “polluting” to produce than a single porcelain plate, if each is only used once. And paper plates produce more waste materials for landfill than porcelain does.


Beating swords into plowshares October 21, 2003

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On October 6, 2002, three Dominican nuns dressed in white chemical weapons suits cut through the perimeter fence surrounding a Minuteman III missile silo in northeastern Colorado. They entered the site, poured their own blood on the silo walls, and, in a gesture meant to symbolize disarmament, pounded on the silo cover and surrounding railroad tracks with hammers.

The nuns, Jacqueline Hudson, 68, Ardeth Platte, 66, and Carol Gilbert, 55, were protesting “America’s Weapons of Mass Destruction.”

In April 2003 the nuns were convicted of two felonies — damaging government property and obstructing national defense. The prosecution, citing their criminal records of civil disobedience, requested that they receive five- to eight-year prison terms. The lengthy sentences were sought to deter the sisters and others from similar acts in the future.

In July 2003 they each received a sentence of between 2-1/2 and 3-1/2 years in prison, and an additional three years of supervised probation.

You can read more about the sisters at the Grand Rapids Dominican website. The Dominicans encourage you to write the sisters at these addresses.

Unfettered Japanese Id. October 18, 2003

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An expose of reimagineered human anatomy, by Seth Stevenson for Slate.

Question: Entirely unburdened by reality, what do horny Japanese guys really want to see?

Answer: Go away, Japanese id! You are scary! I am scared of you!

It’s a conspiracy! October 9, 2003

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Bailey Blue, governor purr tem.

Miss Monica: Our readers would like your confirmation of the rumor that Bailey is refusing to concede defeat until such time as the recall election is certified by the Secretary of State?

Bailey�s Spokesperson: Bailey is not a sore loser, unlike some others.

MM: But isn�t it true that Bailey believes he has not lost the election?

BS: He�s a winner in the eyes of his followers.

MM: And this despite the fact that he received not one vote?

BS: They haven�t counted the write-in votes yet.

MM: But the majority of �

BS: We have lodged legal complaints with the Secretary of State that this election was discriminatory against cats.

MM: Against � cats?

BS: Yes. We�ve had reliable reports that cats were turned away from the polls. Perhaps millions of cats were denied access to polling places.

MM: But�

BS: Then there is the matter of touch screen voting machines. How can a declawed cat use a punch card?

MM: I�m not sure if �

BS: And then there is the language barrier. There are more adult cats in this state than all of the non-English speakers combined. Yet not one polling place had cat-friendly pollworkers.

MM: … we�re from the same planet.

BS: So until these issues are resolved to our satisfaction, Bailey will continue to consider himself the rightful ruler of the Worl� um… I mean, California. Period.

It’s beginning to look like… October 9, 2003

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So very wrong. October 8, 2003

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So it turned out that a bird in the hand did nothing to cost Mr. Schwarzenegger the election. Any fear we could have had of the uncertain possibility that Mr. Schwarzenegger might fondle us in the unlikely chance that we should ever meet, was far outweighed by our fear and loathing of the assured tripling of car taxes. And that’s only the majority of women’s point of view. (And perhaps some of the men’s.)

We hate it when our strap lines are so very wrong.

Z-Zone: Already here? October 4, 2003

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But perhaps without benefit to Mr. Zellhoefer.

Today, Miss Monica toured the San Andreas fault near Palm Springs with
Dr. Doug.

While passing through Palm Springs, Dr. Doug pointed out the casino that Donald Trump is building with the Caliente tribe. He said he’d heard the casino is building a train station next to the casino, will offer free train service between the casino and the Orange County area, and that one of the casino’s unusual features will be a brothel managed by Heidi Fleiss.

Several searches later (+trump +palm springs +caliente +palm springs +fleiss +brothel etcetera) we’ve found nothing. Can you confirm this information and perhaps add a link? Please let us know by email or in the comments field. Thanks.

Got inches? October 3, 2003

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Then you need Column Clothing. Newly redesigned and highly recommended.

Rescue Remedy October 3, 2003

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Depressed by the news? Feel powerless to change the world’s sad state? Then do what Miss Monica does. When all feels hopeless, she reads Polizeros, intelligently blogged with both fists flying by Bob Morris, peace activist & organizer. Bob is also a clever entrepreneur, who has made a successful niche consulting business out of converting Clipper and FoxPro applications (“huh?” I hear you say) to Windows-based apps.