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“Are more people going to be killed? You bet.” – Donald Rumsfeld, July 14, 2003 September 30, 2003

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Aerial photo of January 18, 2003 anti-war protest in San Francisco

Let’s do it again. They obviously didn’t hear us the first time.

What: National Anti-War Protest in San Francisco and Washington DC

When: Saturday, October 25th, 2003, 11 a.m.

Where: Civic Center, Grove and Larkin Civic Center BART

How to get there: Get on the Bus. For those in the Los Angeles area, ANSWER LA is organizing buses to San Francisco for the march. Tickets are $40 for individuals and $35 for students. Interest in the protest is growing quickly, so ANSWER advises purchasing bus tickets soon.

To purchase tickets for the bus, call ANSWER at (213) 487-2368. To get more information, including flyers to distribute, call or visit ANSWER’s San Francisco website.


groan once or i will go mad September 29, 2003

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“…the sun
shone in my soul today before
you came…”

Don Marquis (1878-1937), Sun Dial columnist, poet, creator of Archy (the transmigrated soul of a free verse poet in the body of a cockroach) and Mehitabel (cat toujours gai), came to Hollywood in 1929 to try his hand at screenwriting and went away only a few months later, according to E.B. White, with “a violent, unprintable poem in his pocket describing the place.”

Note: the link is to a Don Marquis fansite. They have reprinted the Ode to Hollywood, which is not meant for children or the morally fastidious.

Inside the Bizarre Cult that’s Gripped Wales September 28, 2003

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Monkeyboy, Icon.

“I had an overwhelming need to toss my bananas at his feet and kneel.”

Fiona Pfillingsley clutches a playing card sized icon, which hangs from a grubby yellow string tied around her neck, and describes the first time she met her guru in the fruit aisle of Sainsbury’s Superstore in Swansea.

“I was overwhelmed by his radiance and peacefulness. Not to put too sexual a point on it, but I have to be honest, my instinctive primate … err, I mean primal urges were aroused. I was overwhelmed by his mastery, his depth, the really, really big line of bananas at his feet.”

Pfillingsley is one of the growing number of people who practice banananarianism as members of the Join Us (Or Else) cult.

Cult members, believing that bananas have been singled out as “God’s spiritual fruit,” eat nothing but pureed banana.

Banananarians also believe that Thursday is the “Great Evil,” and stay motionless indoors from Wednesday evening through Friday morning.

Her failure to show up to work on Thursdays eventually cost Pfillingsley her job as a software support technician in a call centre.

“People have trouble with their computers on Thursday, too,” her employer admonished her.

He was unmoved by her arguments that customers should be advised on Thursdays to not touch their computers, but to instead stay in bed.

Unemployed and penniless, Pfillingsley was forced to join other Monkeyboy devotees living in an underground temple deep inside the redundant South Crofty Tin Mine.

Life is easier now, she claims.

“I spend my days telling lost souls about the blessings of the banana. And I have an autographed picture of Monkeyboy to gaze upon every night before I go to bed.”

In Our Devotion Mailbox: Miss Monica, You Are a Lucky Winner! September 28, 2003

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REF: MLI/231-ILGI0431/03

– Partly correct.

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the Lottery Winners International programs held on the 25th of September 2003. Your e-mail address attached to
ticket number 20711465897-6291 with serial number 472-971102 drew lucky numbers 9-66-97-22-71-64 which consequently won in the 2nd category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of US$ 746,000.00 (Seven Hundred and forty six Thousand United States Dollars) CONGRATULATIONS!!!

– Ooo. We’re so excited.

Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information very confidential till your claims has been processed and your prize/money Remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants.

– Uh oh. Too late.

All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 200,000.00 company and 300,000.00 individual email addresses and names from all over the world. This promotional program takes place annually. We hope with part of your winning you will take part in our next year USD1 million ( One Million United States dollars) international lottery. To file for your claim, please contact our/your fiducial agent Mr. Wesley carrington of the, the Ocean Diplomatic Secuirty and Finance Bv whose company is an agent of MEGAFORTUNE AGENCY and they have been directed to make all payments to all the winners before the deadline which is october 20th 2003.

– They’re ju$t giving it away.

TEL: +31-630 950 986
FAX: +31- 645 244 095

Oh sure. Miss Monica is going to call a mobile phone in the Netherlands.

Email: winneruchi01@netscape.net with your telephone and especially your fax numbers so that they can send you the claims application form you (A4) which you fill out to expedite the transfer of your winnings to you the Beneficiary. Note that all winning must be claimed not later than 25th of October 2003. After this date all unclaimed, funds will be included in the next stake. Please note in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications please remember to quote your reference number and batch numbers in all correspondence. Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible.

– Nice touch, giving the size of the form.

Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program. Note: Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically disqualified.

– Could somebody over 18 years old please take care of this for us?

Sincerely yours,
Mrs. Ellen Kloos
Lottery Coordinator.
REPLY EMAIL TO winneruchi01@netscape.net

– Ellen. We’re thrilled to receive Dutch scam-spam after the loads of Nigerian trash. Thanks.

Well, Shiver Our Timbers! September 21, 2003

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We missed Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19th).

This day celebrates pirate vernacular and encourages everyone to talk like a pirate, except for President Bush, who already talks like a pirate, “as we can see from this transcript of a recent White House press conference:

REPORTER: Could you please explain either your foreign or your domestic policy?


BBBC News: Banananarians Branded ‘A Bizarre Bunch’ September 20, 2003

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Public promotion of blessed bananas.

Dismissed as a mere fad diet as recently as last week, the Join Us (Or Else) Cult has now been recognised by government officials as having as many as 3,000 adherents in Wales alone.

Critics charge that the leader of the Join Us (Or Else) organisation, Wood N Monkeyboy, forces his followers to subsist on nothing but bananas and water, to wear banana skins, and to actively promulgate his bizarre beliefs.

Sect members believe that all life on earth was created underground in west Cornwall, and that the banana was the “first fruit” given by God to mankind, therefore “blessed among fruit.”

Though usually relaxed and friendly in appearance, Join Us (Or Else) members have been reported aggressively promoting banananarianism in public.

North Wales Police said they had received a number of calls from people who felt “intimidated” by the cult members.

Some cult members are stopping pedestrians in city centres throughout Wales, and forcing them to accept gifts of bananas and printed religious materials.

One victim, who declined to provide her name, reported being pursued “for miles” by an angry banananarian when she refused his fruit offering.

“He kept banging on about dark mineshafts and bananas,” she said. “It wasn’t at all clear what he intended to do with his banana. It was all so peculiar and almost obscene, really. So I ran.”

Police said they would be increasing the frequency of patrols in shopping districts and would consider issuing criminal anti-social behaviour orders.

“In the meantime we would warn the public to stay away from those wearing yellow clothing or lapel buttons and, under no circumstances, accept presents from strangers.”

So Much For the “Liberal Media” September 19, 2003

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Bush admits that Saddam wasn’t involved in the WTC Attacks after all…

…and nobody cares.

What gives?

Miss Monica knows the meaning of “WMD” September 18, 2003

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On August 6, 1945, a single atomic bomb dropped by the United States destroyed the city of Hiroshima. Hundreds of thousands of civilian residents died.

Countless blistered, gray, unrecognizable corpses
– Anonymous, Approx. 250m from the hypocenter

“Fifty-eight years have passed since the world’s first atomic bombing. Yet here at the dawn of the 21st century, nuclear-weapon states continue to cling to and even develop their nuclear arsenals while the risk of nuclear proliferation grows and local, internal conflicts erupt ceaselessly.”

The Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum, with the help of NHK Hiroshima Broadcasting Station and the Chugoku Shimbun, in 2002 conducted an A-bomb drawing campaign entitled “To Convey…the Desire for Peace Across the Centuries.” Drawn from vivid memories, the works show “with great clarity the situation in Hiroshima after the bombing.” By this display, the artists and the museum appeal for genuine and lasting world peace.

Carrying my sister on my back, I went into the river to look for my missing father.
– Drawing and text / Rikuo Fukamachim, Approx. 2,200m from the hypocenter

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (so to speak), “WMD” is being redefined.

“Despite the failed search [for Iraqi WMD], at Fort Stewart, Ga., on Friday, President Bush again raised the specter of Saddam�s weapons: ‘Because of our military, catastrophic weapons will no longer be in the hands of a reckless dictator.'”

“But members of his national security team are now saying removing Saddam was justification enough for the war � that he himself was a weapon of mass destruction.”

Why didn’t we think of that? And it explains why the Bush administration haven’t found Hussein yet, either. Two birds with one re-definition. Brilliant.

Jealous. September 18, 2003

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Sexie, Eddie Izzard�s one-man show playing this week at the Wiltern, sold out almost immediately.

We didn�t get in line in time for tickets.

But they are available from brokers.

At a price slightly higher than diamonds. Or electricity charges.

So Miss Monica�s love for Mr. Izzard shall remain unrequited. Those lucky enough to have scored a seat � have fun.

Hard Questions? Hard Answers. September 17, 2003

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Bailey Blue For Governor

The future governor of California, Bailey Blue, with yet another round of hard answers to hard questions:

Miss Monica: Our readers would like to know Bailey’s response to CodePink�s criticism that he would turn back emancipation for women by relegating them exclusively to the home?

Bailey: @#%&^^@!!!

MM: What was that?

Bailey�s Spokesperson: That was caterwauling. Bailey doesn�t like your question.

MM: But isn�t it true that Bailey�s model calls for a one-man-one-woman domestic unit, with the man providing financial support and the woman providing cat care in the home?

BS: Yes. What�s wrong with that?

MM: But what about other domestic relationships. Say, two males?

BS: I don�t see your point. Bailey himself cohabitates with another male. He sees nothing wrong with that kind of arrangement, so long as the other male is neutered and stays in his side of the house.

MM: I mean � two human males.

BS: Do they have long fingernails?

MM: Um � not � necessarily.

BS: Do they have big feet and big black boots?

MM: � Perhaps.

BS: Bailey has been known to scratch and pee on that kind of male. He doesn�t really like them. But this is all beside the point. The most rewarding work on the planet is caring for kitties. So Bailey doesn�t see what your problem is. Those CodePink ladies need to get their priorities straight. They�re taking time away from what�s important, which is kitties, and spending it on issues that don�t concern Bailey.

MM: � That�s � that�s �. that�s �

BS: Look, granted people have issues like the budget deficit, illegal immigrants being given drivers� licenses, energy crises, and all of that. But, believe me, if you wake up and discover Bailey has left nuclear waste on your pillow, that puts it all in perspective!

MM: � all the time we have today.