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Ouija Board July 13, 2003

Posted by worldspectacle in Uncategorized.
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I’d ‘inherited’ the Ouija board from a friend of mine, who had bought it from a gypsy who claimed that it was very old. If it wasn’t, they had done a very good job giving it an aged look. He was anxious to get rid of the thing because, he claimed, it followed him wherever he went, like a curse. The only way to lift the spell was to give it to another unsuspecting individual.

I’m not the skeptical sort. I’m a pathological liar, to put it mildly, and to sustain that sort of perspective everything must be possible. And I was intrigued at the possibilities this opportunity afforded, as I am an adrenaline junky as well.

This it seemed was the communications line to the supernatural world. The world of the dead. But what would the dead have to say that hadn’t been said already? No, I am more ambitious than that. If I want to commit acts of spiritual impropriety, there’s no point in being shy about it; I might as well take it to the limit. I decided I wanted to talk to a real bogeyman:

Satan.

I mean, think of it. This guy’s got to know tons of cool stuff about what’s really going on behind the scenes of what appears to be a random and normal reality. Celebrity gossip can only sustain a curious creature like myself for so long.

So I put in a summoning to L.C.F., the cipher of Lucifer. I waited. My hand rested on the arrow, and there wasn’t a quiver. Maybe it was late in Hell. I decided to try again in the morning.

I was sitting with the Ouija board the next morning. I spelled out L—C—F. I waited. Finally the arrow started moving of its own accord. P—L—M. Plm? What could it mean? … Please Leave Message? Damn! I got his machine! How to leave a message in Ouija? So I figured I’d send it just like a telegram.

WOULD-LIKE-TO-LEARN-SECRETS-OF-UNIVERSE-STOP-WOULD-LIKE-TO-KNOW-YOUR-ROLE-IN-TELEVISION-PROGRAMMING-AND-MEDIA-STOP-PLEASE-RESPOND-ASAP-STOP.

Be nice if they could make one of these things where you could type it in or something, I thought. The arrow moved again.

S–T–O–P.

Must have been some sort of echo. I tried L–C–F again. Again I got P–L–M. This was getting frustrating. I was getting messages from the supernatural realm, but we weren’t communicating.

SECRETS-OF-UNIVERSE-STOP-TV-STOP.

This time the response was more immediate.

F–U–C–K–O–F–F.

He obviously wasn’t taking me seriously. I spelled out L–C–F–CORRUPT–ME. The response was the same. I tried every enticement I could think of, and always the same response. This was the guy I was reading about who wanted souls, who bought souls, who needed souls, who recruited souls; what was wrong with my soul that he couldn’t make me evil? I started spelling L–C–F, and as soon as the arrow started to move, I took it off the board. See how he liked it. I did this ten or fifteen times, and each time the arrow started moving more violently before I pulled it off.

Suddenly there was a burst of smoke that smelled a lot like sweat and sulfur and a creature with little shiny black horns and a long arrow-shaped tail materialized across from me. “Finally!” I exclaimed. “Satan, do you know how hard it is to reach you with this piece of crap?” indicating the Ouija board.

He smiled. “I’m flattered that you think I’m the Prince of Darkness himself, but unfortunately I’m only the Devil’s Advocate. I’m here to serve you with this.” He handed me an official looking parchment with blood red writing on it.

My own compact with the Devil! Would have been nicer if he’d brought it in person, but he was probably a very busy Agent of Evil, considering how much of it was in the world nowadays. “So how does this work? Do I sign my name in blood and Lucifer will grant me my every wish in exchange for my immortal soul?”

The Advocate laughed out loud. “It’s not a contract, it’s a restraining order. You are not to contact the Devil in any way, and you must stay at least 1000 miles away from Hell. Lucifer has no use for stalkers.”

He picked up my Ouija board and tucked it under his arm, placing the arrow in one of the pockets of his jacket. He then walked back to the spot where he’d materialized. “If you’re looking for some sort of entertainment, try reading a good book. Stop wasting our time.” And with that he vanished.

I never tried to contact L.C.F. again. Never got another Ouija board. He wants me — he made it so obvious with all that drama. But this time he’ll have to come to me.

-Mascara Snake

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