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Rosencranz & Guildenstern July 25, 2003

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Romeo’s toy soldiers.

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In the orstway ossiblepay astetay… July 24, 2003

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With all this talk about Uday and Qusay Hussain getting killed, and the furore about whether we should be celebrating their deaths, or just the fact that the Iraqis shouldn’t be suffering their depredations anymore, I couldn’t help but find myself wondering at how much their names looked like they were in Pig Latin. Sad but true.

Adopted! July 22, 2003

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Both Kittens.

Thanks.

A Public Service Announcement from MissMonica.org July 18, 2003

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The Cutest Kittens in the WHOLE WORLD???

Boy Cat Seeks Best Friend

Gender: Male
Location: Santa Monica Cat and Dog Hospital, 2010 Broadway, Santa Monica, CA (310) 453-5459
Age: 12 weeks
Marital Status: Single
Ethnicity: Mixed race
Hair: Blonde with brown tabby spots
Eyes: Pure gold
Body Type: Slim athletic build
Health: Excellent, current on vaccinations
Education: Litter Box Certification, Advanced Ear Cleaning Credential
Interests: Cuddling, playing with sister (below)
Religious Affiliation: Scratching Post Devotee
Political Views: Moderate on Dogs
Smoking: Non-smoker
Drinking: Fresh water only
Looking for: The Committed Type

Girl Next Door ISO Playmate

Gender: Female
Location: Santa Monica Cat and Dog Hospital, 2010 Broadway, Santa Monica, CA (310) 453-5459
Age: 12 weeks
Marital Status: Single
Ethnicity: Mixed race
Hair: Blonde with black spots and tail
Eyes: Green / Gold
Body Type: Slim athletic build
Health: Excellent, current on vaccinations
Employment: Self-employed, $-0- in cat food commercial residuals currently
Profession: Entertainer
Religious Affiliation: Felinity
Political Views: Anti-dog activist
Smoking: Doesn’t smoke
Drinking: Drinks water daily
Drugs: Recreational cat nip usage only
Looking for: Fun-Loving Friend

They are looking for someone to love …
… YOU??

Available for immediate adoption from the:
Santa Monica Dog & Cat Hospital
2010 Broadway
Santa Monica, CA
(310) 453-5459

Ouija Board July 13, 2003

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I’d ‘inherited’ the Ouija board from a friend of mine, who had bought it from a gypsy who claimed that it was very old. If it wasn’t, they had done a very good job giving it an aged look. He was anxious to get rid of the thing because, he claimed, it followed him wherever he went, like a curse. The only way to lift the spell was to give it to another unsuspecting individual.

I’m not the skeptical sort. I’m a pathological liar, to put it mildly, and to sustain that sort of perspective everything must be possible. And I was intrigued at the possibilities this opportunity afforded, as I am an adrenaline junky as well.

This it seemed was the communications line to the supernatural world. The world of the dead. But what would the dead have to say that hadn’t been said already? No, I am more ambitious than that. If I want to commit acts of spiritual impropriety, there’s no point in being shy about it; I might as well take it to the limit. I decided I wanted to talk to a real bogeyman:

Satan.

I mean, think of it. This guy’s got to know tons of cool stuff about what’s really going on behind the scenes of what appears to be a random and normal reality. Celebrity gossip can only sustain a curious creature like myself for so long.

So I put in a summoning to L.C.F., the cipher of Lucifer. I waited. My hand rested on the arrow, and there wasn’t a quiver. Maybe it was late in Hell. I decided to try again in the morning.

I was sitting with the Ouija board the next morning. I spelled out L—C—F. I waited. Finally the arrow started moving of its own accord. P—L—M. Plm? What could it mean? … Please Leave Message? Damn! I got his machine! How to leave a message in Ouija? So I figured I’d send it just like a telegram.

WOULD-LIKE-TO-LEARN-SECRETS-OF-UNIVERSE-STOP-WOULD-LIKE-TO-KNOW-YOUR-ROLE-IN-TELEVISION-PROGRAMMING-AND-MEDIA-STOP-PLEASE-RESPOND-ASAP-STOP.

Be nice if they could make one of these things where you could type it in or something, I thought. The arrow moved again.

S–T–O–P.

Must have been some sort of echo. I tried L–C–F again. Again I got P–L–M. This was getting frustrating. I was getting messages from the supernatural realm, but we weren’t communicating.

SECRETS-OF-UNIVERSE-STOP-TV-STOP.

This time the response was more immediate.

F–U–C–K–O–F–F.

He obviously wasn’t taking me seriously. I spelled out L–C–F–CORRUPT–ME. The response was the same. I tried every enticement I could think of, and always the same response. This was the guy I was reading about who wanted souls, who bought souls, who needed souls, who recruited souls; what was wrong with my soul that he couldn’t make me evil? I started spelling L–C–F, and as soon as the arrow started to move, I took it off the board. See how he liked it. I did this ten or fifteen times, and each time the arrow started moving more violently before I pulled it off.

Suddenly there was a burst of smoke that smelled a lot like sweat and sulfur and a creature with little shiny black horns and a long arrow-shaped tail materialized across from me. “Finally!” I exclaimed. “Satan, do you know how hard it is to reach you with this piece of crap?” indicating the Ouija board.

He smiled. “I’m flattered that you think I’m the Prince of Darkness himself, but unfortunately I’m only the Devil’s Advocate. I’m here to serve you with this.” He handed me an official looking parchment with blood red writing on it.

My own compact with the Devil! Would have been nicer if he’d brought it in person, but he was probably a very busy Agent of Evil, considering how much of it was in the world nowadays. “So how does this work? Do I sign my name in blood and Lucifer will grant me my every wish in exchange for my immortal soul?”

The Advocate laughed out loud. “It’s not a contract, it’s a restraining order. You are not to contact the Devil in any way, and you must stay at least 1000 miles away from Hell. Lucifer has no use for stalkers.”

He picked up my Ouija board and tucked it under his arm, placing the arrow in one of the pockets of his jacket. He then walked back to the spot where he’d materialized. “If you’re looking for some sort of entertainment, try reading a good book. Stop wasting our time.” And with that he vanished.

I never tried to contact L.C.F. again. Never got another Ouija board. He wants me — he made it so obvious with all that drama. But this time he’ll have to come to me.

-Mascara Snake

Cadillacs Only July 13, 2003

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Mural for a Cadillac parts and restorations store. San Fernando Valley, L.A.

Camblogging photo courtesy of Bob Morris, Los Angeles-area Green Party politico and blogger.

We’ll walk, thanks. July 10, 2003

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Bus Plunge Du Jour

Perhaps unsurprisingly, bus plunging has its devotees.

We Do Not Blog in a Vacuum. July 4, 2003

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We know this because we get fan mail:

Dear Romeo Mieaux d’Felini: I am one of your best fans! I cut out your picture from the last (and first) article I read about you and I wish you would send me and autographed one. I love you and would love to have a list of your new movies or where you will be appearing in public?

Your best fan and maybe I love you,
Flappy the Talking Parrot

—————————————————–

It is always good to get fan mail from one so delightfully delicious … err, discerning.

What To Do? July 2, 2003

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68 cent crew presents Love, Sex and the IRS

Jon and Leslie, both men, are roommates. Each has a girlfriend. Jon is a part-time bookkeeper. Jon says to Leslie, “let me prepare your tax return.” Leslie says, “okay.” And Jon includes Leslie on Jon’s tax return … as Jon’s wife.

IRS comes calling. Girlfriends come calling. Overwrought Mom comes calling. Etcetera. Fun and silly. Fri, Sat and Sun shows through July 6, on Heliotrope off of Melrose. (323) 769-5800 Only $15.

Tell them Miss Monica sent you and they won’t know what the hell you are talking about.