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The Man Who Fell To Earth April 1, 2003

Posted by worldspectacle in Uncategorized.
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The missive in Miss Monica’s mailbox:
——————————————————-
Dear Miss Monica:

I was captured by government agents just a few blocks from my home. There was something anomalous in my blood tests, and it was bizarre enough for my doctor to alarm the authorities.

Blood test! What was I thinking? It�s so easy to just fall into a normal routine. It�s not what you think. I wasn�t using an illegal drug or anything. It was. . .a lot more like a lapse of attention, the kind that has dire consequences. My blood is not of this world. The reason my blood is not of this world is because I am not of this world, either. I�m an extraterrestrial visitor, only without the requisite Extraterrestrial Visitor�s Pass.

You are probably asking yourself how I could have made such a blunder. It�s easier than you think. I�m not much different than ordinary people. My blood is still red and salty, it just looks real different under a microscope. My tears are a little different, so I try not to cry in public. They�re blue and they make the whites of my eyes stain blue for awhile. And I think that�s it, as far as I can tell. What I�m trying to say is that I don�t wake up in the morning and think, �oh, I�m an alien, I better be careful how I act around these humans.” It�s actually more like, “Oh I better hurry before I�m late for work and get fired.” Being who I am is something that�s so easy to lose track of in all the little details of life.

So I�m sitting in this van with these guys in bela clavas and black riot gear, with big black guns, and I can�t help but thinking, �these guys have to be sweating their asses off in that gear,� but I choose to say nothing. I�m imagining the traditional interrogation and torture ritual to come, testing to see if I�m a weapon or if parts of me can be made into a weapon that they can use against their neighbors, when suddenly I get an idea that might just get me out of this mess.

I wait until they put me in interrogation in front of someone in authority, and I tell them straight out that I believe that I�m from another planet. This immediately makes my interviewer skeptical. He has no intention of humoring some delusional person, or being made a fool of by a fraud. I assure him that as soon as he presents my test results to bone fide scientists, that they will be able to prove conclusively that I am, in fact, from another planet.

Well, you know how scientists are. When they go looking for proof they need empirical evidence, and there were just too many indeterminate variables to make a good case. First of all, could I prove that I was from another planet full of people like me? No. Could I prove that having weird blood and tears was evidence of extraplanetary origins? Not even. It would take having scientists go to that planet and test other people there and compare their results with mine, comparing the different between that planet and this planet, and arriving at a theory to explain why there was a difference. They couldn�t make a case of it; they had to let me go. The final analysis was that though they could prove that I was not human, they could not prove that I came from another planet. And my cholesterol count indicated that I needed to cut down on cheeseburgers, regardless of blood type.

Finally! Some information I can use!

G-reg.

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