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200214827 April 29, 2003

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Dear Mr. President, Please Attack Appalachia


How could we stoop so high? April 19, 2003

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Miss Monica’s new bumper mod.

Rumours? April 17, 2003

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According to some news services, Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf may actually be dead. We’ll keep you filled in.

Blogs? What Blogs? There Is No Weblog Here! Weblogs Are Stupid! We Have Destroyed Blogger Already! April 15, 2003

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You gotta admire the man's determination
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf: a man of our time.
The war has undoubtedly found itself a new cult hero. I speak, of course, of Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraq’s Minister of Information. His pronouncements have made this whole war thing truly bizarre. His protests of Iraqi strength and invincibility just kept on coming despite all evidence to the contrary. A man like that deserves recognition, and it’s with delight that I found We Love the Iraqi Information Minister, a tribute to a man who just isn’t prepared to let piddling little things like facts get in his way.

A Question: April 14, 2003

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Who Would Jesus Bomb?

No S**t, Sherlock April 12, 2003

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Hans Blix claims that the US government was bent on war, and was going to go to war whatever happened.

Really? How long did it take you to work that one out, Hans?

Disappointing Palace April 8, 2003

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French provincial armchair, loveseat and coffee table .[as is].. only $999.99! (Army boys not included).

Like most Americans, I have been eagerly awaiting the capture of Saddam’s palaces, and really looking forward to seeing the stuff auctioned off on E-bay… who knows, maybe enough could be made to pay for this little tap dance in the desert. And with all those palaces, plenty of good stuff!

But my, oh my, what a disappointment. The palace has already been cleared out of amusing trinkets and artwork, and from the looks of it, the stuff that’s left won’t make very much at all. Absolutely horrid furniture!

And to realize that I was thinking that I’d like some new patio furniture and Saddam’s palace was just the place to get a good deal! BAH!!! I’m sticking with K-mart and Martha Stewart. This damn war is nothing but agony.

-Kirsten from Santa Cruz

American Journalist in Sour Grapes Shocker April 8, 2003

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Don't worry, girls. One voice against the tide isn't going to make much difference
t.A.T.u: Possibly the best pop group comprised of teenage Russian lesbians in the world.

It may surprise you to know that we at MissMonica.org have been more than a little enthusiastic in our support of winsome and sapphic Russian pop phenomena Lena Katina and Yulia Volkova. Bearing this in mind, imagine our surprise and dismay when we were shown USA Today’s piece on them.

But then, certain aspects hit us – TV appearances. Popular video. Chart success. Gotcha. It’s just a lone voice against the wind.

t.A.T.u. are the future (at least they are this week), and no cynical journo is going to prove otherwise.

Ex-posure April 2, 2003

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The man who fell to earth has joined us, and will be blogging here under the pen name “mascara snake.” This, his most recent contribution:

I was dating a glamorous girl who had just gotten out of a long-standing relationship with a camera. Her body was still jerky from the experience. Whenever she felt she looked particularly stunning, she froze in that pose. I gather it was so that multiple exposures might be taken. It was the sort of thing I learned to turn a blind eye to; if I indulge a girl like that with too much sympathy, I have found I start taking on the role of her deprogrammer; which simply does neither of us any good.

She had to learn to find her own center again, but it wasn’t easy. She said that she could feel his cold glass lens gazing at her without emotion wherever she went. A part of her needed to display herself enticingly before that which could not be moved.

After two months of this I’d had enough. I believe in confronting this history stuff head on and with brutal honesty. We went to the studio and found him sitting on his tripod gazing at the building across the street with a zoom lens. Before she could react I marched over to him and opened up the tiny door on the back which protects the precious photos from overexposure. I grabbed her arm firmly but not roughly and forced her to look inside. There was no film. There never had been. It was all part of his game.

She wrapped her arms around me, without preparation, for the first time, and sobbed softly on my shoulder. We walked away from the pawn shop with silk flowers for the ceiling and our first good deed as a couple. She works as a film editor now, with long black strips of celluloid lying cut on the floor, and no little pleasure in her work.

The Man Who Fell Into History April 2, 2003

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Wednesday March 19, 2003

NEW YORK — Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges — and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

Andrew Carlssin “We don’t believe this guy’s story — he’s either a lunatic or a pathological liar,” says an SEC insider.

“But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks’ time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can’t be pure luck.

“The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He’s going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources.”

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

“If a company’s stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance,” says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

MM comment: a search at the SEC’s website returns nothing…